Managing the emotional and the rational

September 28, 2009

NeuronsWe all know the feeling of having to deal with an emotionally loaded happening or decision, or when we need to communicate about something emotional for the other person(s).
The main problem is to be able to see the rational aspect of what we are dealing with in a moment when we have lost this ability to calmly analyze and put things in perspective. Our brain is reacting in the here and now and what leads us is to escape the situation as well as possible immediately. In this process, we rarely have the ability to think about the consequences of our behaviour.

Controlling one’s emotions
Although this is quite difficult for some people, the best way to start reacting is to not react, because your reaction can make others react back to you and there always is a risk of escalation. Before saying or doing anything, try to get as much information as you can by asking questions or even by keeping quiet. Generally, being silent is a great way of getting others to do the talking. Do not be afraid to ask for suggestions and listen before reacting on the answers.
Two emotions always can get you in more trouble than serve you: anger and fear. In both cases, the ideal way to deal with your emotions is to buy some time before reacting, in order to relieve the impulsivity and start to get a look at the larger picture. If possible, allow yourself a night of sleep before completing the process. It will calm you down; it will allow you to start thinking more rationally and put things back in perspective. It also allows you to develop your own plan on how to deal with the matter that happened to you.

Connecting with another person’s emotions
Although you are not dealing with your own emotions and you are in a position of thinking rationally, this situation is not any easier. The key here is to be able to literally get on the same wavelength as the other person. To do this properly, some empathy is obviously a great asset, but empathy alone is not enough. You need to assess the level of emotionality involved, and adjust your level of rationality accordingly. The best way to connect with the emotional person and to identify how intense the emotions are is to let the person vent and express what is causing the trouble. S/He will feel comfortable with this, because you create the conditions for it. Ask questions when necessary but do not make this an interrogation. Also, realize that, in an emotional interaction, verbal communication is a lot less effective than in a rational conversation. Therefore, your body language is quite important, which makes it even more important that you are sincerely willing to listen and connect. Since when it comes to non-verbal communication, the body follows the mind, any lack of sincerity on your part will probably be perceived.
Once you have connected, you will be a position to lead the conversation and, one step at a time, bring it back to increasingly more rational level. You will know that you have completed the process when the smiles come back and you reach an agreement on the next step.

If you are interested in this subject, feel free to contact me.

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.

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Just be yourself!

September 14, 2009

This is a prerequisite if you want to grow and be happy in life, as well personally as professionally.
Although it would sound like an easy thing to achieve, too many people seem to have difficulties getting there. Many internal and external reasons can explain that, but it is always possible to change for the best.

If you are not a superhero, it is OK

If you are not a superhero, it is OK

Why is being yourself so important?
Quite obviously, if you are not yourself, then who are you? Just this question makes clear that it will difficult to know who you are. If you think you are some of your role model, realize that s/he probably was him/herself, and that is why they got in that position of role model.
Moreover, if you are playing being someone else (like the example on the right), you will miss the opportunity to genuinely improve yourself and achieve higher fulfillment in life.

How can you be yourself?
This can take more or less time between people to find out, but it is possible and not that complicated. All you need is to have people you trust to give you candid feedback. You have to understand that even the most popular people are not perfect and that they have their insecurities as well. An easy way of discovering yourself it to find what you like most and what you like less in life. Capitalize on your assets and limit your liabilities. Accept your limitations and enjoy your talents! After all no one is talented in everything, and all you need to be happier is to do what you do best and like it. To find out who you are and to be yourself, you are just going to need to determine how much will, dare, capability and knowledge you have.

Deal with other people’s judgment!
Unfortunately, everyone has an opinion about other people, and most of the time it is based on very partial information. Most disputes are the result of a lack of communication, not of knowing each other well. I often tell the same joke about how lucky I have been in life to meet only great people who unfortunately for them all have seemed to be surrounded by idiots.
Realize that you cannot please everyone, and whatever you may do and whoever you maybe, there always will be someone out there to criticize you. The only feedback that counts is the one from people who really know you well, and that you trust enough to give you their opinion. Such an exercise is not about passing or failing, but it is about self-knowledge and possibilities of improvement. True friends will not shoot you down. In this exercise, they will tell you what you could be better at.
Also realize that it is better to get some bad feedback on who you really are than on whom you trying to be, because in that case, the information is useful for you.
If you find difficult to accept yourself, you need to consider two things. First, you are not the only person who feels that way; a large of majority of people tends to underestimate themselves. Secondly, most people have much more potential than they think; all they need is to take more chances. You need to show the world what you can.
Finally, always make sure that you are the one deciding for yourself. Peer pressure and your social environment, not even to mention marketing and the media have a very powerful impact on how many people think they should be. It is not to them to decide about that. Dare to challenge them. Also, realize that people who are themselves always attract compatible people, thus making their lives more interesting and fulfilling.

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.


The ten signs of a happy person

September 6, 2009

Just hap-pyIn no particular order of course, you will notice that happy people:

  • Are in good health.
  • Smile and laugh often and look at others in the eyes when talking to them.
  • Are assertive, not aggressive.
  • Do not envy or criticize others, they have a positive attitude.
  • Make other people happy and are loved.
  • Have no addiction, they just do not need any.
  • Like what they do (personally as well as professionally) and they like who they are.
  • Are themselves and accept others the way they are.
  • Are not selfish or self-centered.
  • Problems do not seem to stick to them; they just deal with them.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yet, how many people do you know who would qualify?

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.


Are you living your dreams?

September 3, 2009

Dreaming your lifeFrom early childhood, we all have had our ideas and dreams about how life would be later. You know, when I grow up, I want to…
Yet, later in life, many people seem to have forgotten about these dreams or, worse, they have given up on them. This is sad, because there are not many things that can energize and motivate you as the pursuit of something very dear to you: being the person you always wanted to be.

Personally, I have been blessed with supportive and open-minded parents. They always encouraged me to pursue what I really wanted to do, if that was indeed good and important for me. The fact that they also taught me boundaries made such encouragements even more stimulating: if they supported me, I knew that it was because what I was aiming at was worth it. Consciously going after something meaningful is one of the most motivating things I can think of.

This has allowed me to be aware of my personality and of my possibilities at a young age, which made it possible for me to decide much of how my life would be like. Like everyone else, there have been bumps on the road once in a while, but knowing what I wanted always helped keep the course, and that has brought me lots of satisfaction and the privilege of living quite a few of my childhood’s dreams.
As I grew a little less young, I also discovered that dreaming is a work in progress. It is nice to pursue your childhood’s dreams, but sometimes, circumstances change, or the dreams appear to not be as realistic or sensible as they seemed first, and we left them aside. That is not really a problem as long as we keep the ability to keep envisioning who we want to be. With age comes more experience, more self-awareness and this is why it is never too late to think of what we want to be later. This process has nothing to do with any mid-life crisis, as that is something else, which is not about dreaming about the future; it is the mourning of the past.

I have been lucky to live most of my youth’s dreams and it has brought me to where I am today: a happy and fulfilled man who wants to make it possible for others to experience the same. It has made me able to look at my life in a dynamic manner and constantly think of how and in what I can grow further, and the ideas keep coming.

Who you want to be is the mix of what you love to do, what you do best, what your values are, and of where and with whom you want to make this happen.

The worst thing to do to oneself being not to try at all, and regret it for the rest of one’s life, the question that you must ask yourself is: Are you living your dreams?
If not, what happened then? More importantly, what are you going to do about it? Can you think of better objectives today, thanks to a better knowledge of yourself? What is keeping you from trying, and how can you overcome such hurdles? It is only by trying over and over again that one succeeds.

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.


Understanding what went right

August 12, 2009

We all know our reaction when things go wrong. We ask why. Why me? Why now? And more similar questions that tend to try to find out the reason behind the unfair treatment we perceive.
In business, when things go wrong, the same thing happens. Your boss asks you lots of questions to find out the reasons of the poor performance. During press conferences about company results, the CEO is always prepared to give all explanations about the cause of the problem. Typically, the causes of underperforming are generally found in challenging “market conditions”: the world economy, the value of the dollar, the price of oil, market oversupply (which by the way is created by the industry itself and is usually the result of overoptimistic planning), etc…

Finding out why it went right is as important as finding out why it went wrongBut what happens when things go right? Do we try to analyze the reasons things are going our way? Do we wonder why these good things happen to us and why now? Generally speaking, the answer is “no”. We simply take it for granted and we consider it the most normal thing in the world. Yet, there has to be reasons, just as valid as the ones we find for setbacks. To get back to the example of the CEO during the press conference, great results will rarely be attributed to the world economy, the value of the dollar, the price of oil or a market in short supply. Next time listen carefully: great results generally are the results of a great management team executing superbly a great strategy!

The main problem with our attitude towards good things happening is that we actually do not learn from them, or at least we learn very little. This is quite a different situation when things go bad. As we all know, there is nothing like learning from our mistakes to build experience.

So next time you deliver a better than expected performance, you certainly must enjoy it and give yourself a compliment about it, but do not forget to analyze why it did happen. Find out the reasons within yourself or your organization, but look for reasons in the conditions that played around you during that period. Carry out this analysis with the same thoroughness as when you analyze poor performance, and do not exclude any reason beforehand. Maybe the outcome will not boost your ego as much, but avoiding complacency will help you stay on your toes and avoid making mistakes. The benefit for you is that you will increase the odds of repeating your top performance on a much more consistent basis!

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.


The importance of a cohesive team

August 10, 2009

Helping each other creates cohesion and successIn sports, everybody knows the importance of having a group of talented people who can play together harmoniously for the interest of the group. Not only must the team members be good at their specialty, but they also must have the understanding of the other players’ needs and skills, so that they can create for them opportunities to score. Moreover, everybody understands in sports the crucial role of the coach to create the proper interaction to achieve success. Terms as goals, help and support are common.

In business, having such cohesive teams, although always mentioned as very important, tends in many cases to be suboptimal. Many companies perform below what they should and could perform, simply because the interconnection and the fostering of the relationships are very often neglected. It almost looks like everyone sticks to their job description, on which by the way the nature of the interaction with colleagues is not even mentioned. Recruiting people and telling them what they have to do without telling them with whom and how to achieve the goals together will simply not deliver good results. When you take a look at reward systems, you will see that it generally never include collective goals, except the very general profit. Most of the time, bonuses are based on individual performance indicators that usually ignore the performance indicators of your direct colleagues.

Sport or business, the principles are the sameSo, how to achieve superior performance and build cohesive teams across departments? Actually, it is rather simple, at least in theory. Just copy what they do in sports. They draw charts about the strategy to reach the goal and beat the opponent. They review it together, and everybody gets to hear what their specific role is going to be. They will have to pay attention to what the adversary’s moves are and they will develop alternative strategies to deal with them. Everyone in the team knows their function, and most importantly, they know what their fellow team members will do for them and what they expect from them. Further, the coach is present on the sidelines and is very vocal giving instructions at once all the time as the game develops. Unfortunately, such a presence and such a hands-on support are often missing in business, because the coach is in a meeting.

Of course, running a business is not quite like playing the main event game, but they are simple ways to create that sense of support and quick reaction to changing situations and applying alternative plans. One of the most effective approaches to create cohesive teams in business is to develop the supplier-customer partnership at all levels of your organization (see our presentation about this subject). Everyone must know what the colleagues needs are and must communicate what their own needs are as well. This shortens discussions as there is clarity created beforehand and it enhances a sense of anticipation by all participants, as they will recognize what to supply their team members with in a timely manner. Last, but not least, creating and sustaining cohesive teams requires a strong hands-on leadership (read Presence: the prerequisite for leadership).

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.


The Life Plan will help you increase personal fulfillment

August 4, 2009

Your level of happiness or fulfillment is generally a direct consequence of how much you live your life and live in an environment that matches your values.

Here at The Happy Future Group, we have developed our Life Plan program (see the presentation under “Personal Programs“) to help you identify how balanced your life and your values are, and from there we help you build your own specific action list.

The process is simple. To identify your values, you will confront your own findings with some of your friends’ assessment of what truly drives you. Involving trusted friends to participate makes this process more fun and more rewarding. It also avoids this search to feel like a questioning, and at the same time, it will give you a much more objective feedback. After all, every person is who they really are, but also whom they show and who others think they are. By reducing the discrepancy between these three apparently different persons, your level of happiness will naturally increase.

By assessing how much fulfillment the different parts of your life match your core values, you will get your own “fulfillment index”. From that index and its analysis, it will become rather easy and obvious what actions you will need to take to increase your level of fulfillment.

The philosophy of the action list is all about incremental improvement. Consider your current life as being the ground zero. Each action when completed will help you live more to your values, and therefore you will achieve progress one step at a time. The timelines are the ones you feel comfortable with. All you need is to fully commit to the process. Should you “soften” a bit, we will help you remember what you promised yourself to achieve.

All you need to complete this process to success is to have the willingness to make it work, to be yourself and to spend the necessary time and energy.

To be happy, you do not need to go up the mountain to find yourself. It is all here and now, inside and around you!

Copyright 2009 The Happy Future Group Consulting Ltd.